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What do you mean you have nothing to wear?!

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Nothing to wearIt is a truth universally acknowledged that a woman can have a wardrobe chock-a-block full of clothes and simultaneously have nothing to wear. I am one such woman. It perplexes me that men find this such a difficult concept to grasp. Perhaps it’s because no one has ever fully explained to them the intricacies of this phenomenon, a very real problem facing your average modern gal. So here it is boys, laid out in easy to read font and small to medium sized words, the top 7 reasons why we actually have nothing to wear.

  1. It needs to be ironed

A seemingly easy problem to fix and I do own an iron but when you’re running late for work and have to factor in stopping for a coffee en route, it’s a problem. If it’s a choice between caffeine and ironing my preferred shirt, caffeine will win every time.

  1. It’s dirty

Yes I know how to wash clothes but admittedly I am a little domestically challenged. I have a complicated wait list for all items of clothing that require hand washing. Until further notice, all dirty ‘delicates’ are at the bottom of my laundry basket on extended hiatus.

  1. I don’t have the right underwear

Having the correct underwear is like ensuring the foundation of your business plan is sound. And unfortunately many women, myself included, have at times been guilty of not investing in proper asset support. A tight t-shirt is off limits when your girls aren’t adequately braced for engagement.

  1. It’s too small

I like the gym but there are times when the gym and I don’t get along so well. For instance, during winter, I’m much more inclined to spend my mornings in a warm bed than on the treadmill. Coincidentally during these periods of inactivity, I find that a portion of my wardrobe looks like it shrunk in the wash. It’s incredibly disappointing…can you please pass me another croissant?

  1. Nostalgic value

There are some clothes that women keep not because we’re ever going to wear them again but because the memories made when we wore them are just too darn good to let go. I know I will never ever, ever again wear my year 12 diamanté backless Jenny Bannister formal dress with a thigh high split but there’s no way I would part with it. It’s like a beautiful treasured vintage car serving absolutely no practical purpose but taking up valuable wardrobe real estate.

  1. I’m embarrassed how much I paid for this

It was 2007 and I had just moved to London. Winter was setting in and I was pretty broke. I was on my way home from work one day when I spied a grey Paul & Joe pea coat. It was divine and cost more than a week’s wages. I had to borrow money to cover rent that month but I have never regretted buying the coat which I wore every day that winter and for eight more years. Some items in our wardrobe were such a big investment at the time of purchase that the value never deteriorates in our eyes even after we cease wearing it.

  1. It’s just not me

I wear a lot of stripes, and minimalist grey, white and black. Every now and then though when I’m feeling a little ‘zany’ I purchase something out of the ordinary – something a bit different. Perhaps it’s a style of dress I don’t usually wear, a daring neckline, crazy print or colourful pattern. These items then sit in my wardrobe with the tags on. They never get worn because ultimately I prefer stripes and minimalist grey, white and black.

Word Wisdom

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I’m an incurable romantic. Real life romance often freaks me out (blog for another day) but beautiful prose, thoughtful sentiment or a poignant phrase gets me every time. And I bloody love a good quote. There are umpteen million billion fabulous quotes floating through the universe.

starry sky

Quotes are like little stars in the dark night sky, flashlights of wisdom when I need a pick-me-up. They don’t so much offer practical, logical advice for solving one’s problems but they often speak to me on a deeper level. It’s like a quote falls from a branch above where it’s been quietly observing from a distance and whispers what I need to hear.

A feel good quote is like a hot cup of tea, a caring embrace from a friend or the sunshine streaming through the window on a wintery afternoon. Good quotes make me smile and sometimes laugh out loud.

Here is a smattering of just some of my favourites. Love to hear yours.

“You’re mad, bonkers, off your head! But I’ll tell you a secret: all the best people are.” – Lewis Caroll

“It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.” – Oscar Wilde

“Always try your best.” – My Dad

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tsu

“If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.” – Oscar Wilde

“It’s an incredibly exciting thing, this one meaningless life of yours.” – Tim Minchin

“She woke up every morning with the option of being anyone she wished. How beautiful it was that she always chose herself.” – Tyler Kent White

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr Seuss

“Oh how wrong we were to think immortality meant never dying.” ― Gerard Way

“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.” – Unkown

speechbubbles_200“Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you.” – Ira Glass

“Make visible what, without you, might perhaps never have been seen.” – Robert Bresson

“If the person you are talking to doesn’t appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.” – A.A Milne

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” – Maya Angelou

“It’s impossible to make your eyes twinkle if you aren’t feeling twinkly yourself.” – Roald Dahl

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” – Roald Dahl

P.S How lazy was this blog post?! At least I enlisted some extremely talented individuals to do the heavy lifting.

The 12 deadly sins of Tinder profiles

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Dating in your 30s. The talent pool thins and while you may cling to old fashioned romantic notions that you’ll naturally meet your perfect partner standing next to you at your local coffee shop, supermarket, spin class or Friday night drinks, most people find that some level of effort is actually required to strategically thrust oneself into the path of potential partners.

Male selfieI’m pleased to report that I have taken my dating efforts to the next level. I sit in the living room on my couch in trackies and ugg boots swiping through images of hundreds of men. It can be exhausting making snap value judgements based solely on superficial and surface stimulus but I’m up for the Tinder challenge!

As a result of recent swiping marathons, it’s come to my attention that there are some common mistakes good men are making with their profiles. I would hate to think that true love may be eluding these fellas and I feel compelled to assist. In no particular order, here are my 12 deadly sins of Tinder profiles. When we know better, we do better.

1. Photos with big cats

Your perceived sexual prowess does not increase when you get snapped up close and personal with a drugged tiger chained to a pole. Same goes for safari shots. You’re a total loser for killing innocent animals for fun and being photographed with the dead carcass turns most women off quicker than a case of genital warts.

2. The photo in your underpants

You have a penis. Congratulations. Now put some pants on.

3. A profile with just group shots

It’s nice to know you’re capable of making friends but we are looking to date you and it would be nice to get a clear visual. If we have to flick back and forth repeatedly trying to identify who you actually are, you’re making this game too hard.

4. Everyone looks good in sunglasses

Use this pearl of wisdom wisely but don’t overdo it. If every shot is of you in eyewear, we’re going to be suspicious that you’re hiding a freaky case of pink eye or radioactive conjunctivitis.*

*Note to self – Google WebMD to see if this is an actual condition before publishing blog post. Don’t want people thinking I make things up willy-nilly.

5. Photos with your motorbike/car

Unless you’re Daniel Ricciardo, Lewis Hamilton or [insert F1 driver of choice] #petrolhead #snore

6. The height thing

Height is really only relevant if you’re at the extreme end of tall or short. If you’re average, we don’t care.

7. Your Gran

One shot with gran is sweet. Two is…are you capable of making friends?

8. The ex-girlfriend picture

This includes those shots where you have clearly tried to crop the girl out but we can still see her arm/ear/ponytail. Looking at you both smiling and happy is odd. If it’s truly finished and over, so too are the photos.

9. The elevator selfie

You have 8.7 seconds of solitary time in a confined space in front of a mirror. You’re in a suit so naturally think you’re looking all big boss and corporate however resist the temptation to document the moment and just ride the elevator. It’ll be over soon enough.

10. The gym selfie

Why what big muscles you have…all the better to distract us from your microscopic penis.

11. Pictures of your dog

You’re allowed one dog pic. I love dogs and admittedly have swiped right on a borderline fella on more than one occasion because of his cutie patootie pug. If you’re snapping multiple dogs though, we’re thinking flees and ringworm.

12. Why so sad?

What’s up with the stony face? Please smile. Humans look infinitely more attractive when they appear to be having fun and enjoying life.

P.S My expertise in Tinder profile sins admittedly is gender skewed as I’m not in the market for a leading lady in my life. I am told though women are hardly immune from profile sins and duck pouts, bathroom selfies, cocktails at sunset and bridesmaid shots are just a smattering of things that bore/amuse/frustrate fellas. Good to know…off to change my profile shots.

My new habit

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So I’m kind of killing two birds with one stone with this post but hey, surely efficiency is a solid character trait.

I wanted to write about my new habit which is regular writing. You see the thing is, I wasn’t doing it. I kept thinking about it, wishing I was doing more of it and then…nada. I did nothing. All talk no action. I’ve therefore decided to do it, just frickin get on with the job. It sounds simple and it is. But, as anyone who has ever tried any sort of creative endeavour will tell you, it isn’t all that simple.

I am a master of procrastination. M-A-S-T-E-R! It’s not that I don’t love writing once I get stuck into it but it isn’t always easy, fun and I’m certainly always guaranteed to find something ‘more important’ that I need to do i.e. socks to be sorted, a TED talk to watch, eyebrows to pluck, chicken to marinate, toilet to clean, a gym workout, Facebook stalking and usually several trips to the pantry for surveillance of pantry contents/testing of pantry contents. And that’s just today’s list of ‘jobs.’ The thing is there will always be something more important unless I choose to make my writing a priority.

I devour books about the creative process. I love Seth Godin, Elizabeth Gilbert and Steven Pressfield to name a few who have all written beautifully about the challenge of creative work and the barriers which present themselves to artists. The quote I really like from Steven Pressfield’s book, The War on Art, hardly sounds all that profound but its simplicity and plain-speaking call to action is endearingly attractive.

“The most important thing about art is to work. Nothing else matters except sitting down every day and trying.”

This advice is empowering because it strips away all the other loud noise and bullsh*t that lodges itself in our heads and takes up valuable real estate. I am someone who finds myself paralysed by a combination of being out of my comfort zone, worrying about what people will think, fears of not being good enough and worrying about hurting people’s feelings. I can tell you none of that stuff has automatically has gone away (although I am a work in progress) but I can turn up and write by following this advice. I bypass all that rubbish because the stakes have changed and objective and the ‘why’ behind my writing has shifted. I’m just a girl trying.

I also now get up an hour earlier to make the time to write before going to work. I’m a morning person and my head isn’t exhausted from the business of the day that hits as soon as I close my front door.

I believe in the power of changing small habits. Just one…for now. Experimenting with things that subtly fine-tune the way we occupy precious hours in our busy lives is important and can be profound if you’re up for the challenge.

What’s one small thing you can change to prioritise something you value? I’d love to know!