Dating in your 30s. The talent pool thins and while you may cling to old fashioned romantic notions that you’ll naturally meet your perfect partner standing next to you at your local coffee shop, supermarket, spin class or Friday night drinks, most people find that some level of effort is actually required to strategically thrust oneself into the path of potential partners.
I’m pleased to report that I have taken my dating efforts to the next level. I sit in the living room on my couch in trackies and ugg boots swiping through images of hundreds of men. It can be exhausting making snap value judgements based solely on superficial and surface stimulus but I’m up for the Tinder challenge!
As a result of recent swiping marathons, it’s come to my attention that there are some common mistakes good men are making with their profiles. I would hate to think that true love may be eluding these fellas and I feel compelled to assist. In no particular order, here are my 12 deadly sins of Tinder profiles. When we know better, we do better.
1. Photos with big cats
Your perceived sexual prowess does not increase when you get snapped up close and personal with a drugged tiger chained to a pole. Same goes for safari shots. You’re a total loser for killing innocent animals for fun and being photographed with the dead carcass turns most women off quicker than a case of genital warts.
2. The photo in your underpants
You have a penis. Congratulations. Now put some pants on.
3. A profile with just group shots
It’s nice to know you’re capable of making friends but we are looking to date you and it would be nice to get a clear visual. If we have to flick back and forth repeatedly trying to identify who you actually are, you’re making this game too hard.
4. Everyone looks good in sunglasses
Use this pearl of wisdom wisely but don’t overdo it. If every shot is of you in eyewear, we’re going to be suspicious that you’re hiding a freaky case of pink eye or radioactive conjunctivitis.*
*Note to self – Google WebMD to see if this is an actual condition before publishing blog post. Don’t want people thinking I make things up willy-nilly.
5. Photos with your motorbike/car
Unless you’re Daniel Ricciardo, Lewis Hamilton or [insert F1 driver of choice] #petrolhead #snore
6. The height thing
Height is really only relevant if you’re at the extreme end of tall or short. If you’re average, we don’t care.
7. Your Gran
One shot with gran is sweet. Two is…are you capable of making friends?
8. The ex-girlfriend picture
This includes those shots where you have clearly tried to crop the girl out but we can still see her arm/ear/ponytail. Looking at you both smiling and happy is odd. If it’s truly finished and over, so too are the photos.
9. The elevator selfie
You have 8.7 seconds of solitary time in a confined space in front of a mirror. You’re in a suit so naturally think you’re looking all big boss and corporate however resist the temptation to document the moment and just ride the elevator. It’ll be over soon enough.
10. The gym selfie
Why what big muscles you have…all the better to distract us from your microscopic penis.
11. Pictures of your dog
You’re allowed one dog pic. I love dogs and admittedly have swiped right on a borderline fella on more than one occasion because of his cutie patootie pug. If you’re snapping multiple dogs though, we’re thinking flees and ringworm.
12. Why so sad?
What’s up with the stony face? Please smile. Humans look infinitely more attractive when they appear to be having fun and enjoying life.
P.S My expertise in Tinder profile sins admittedly is gender skewed as I’m not in the market for a leading lady in my life. I am told though women are hardly immune from profile sins and duck pouts, bathroom selfies, cocktails at sunset and bridesmaid shots are just a smattering of things that bore/amuse/frustrate fellas. Good to know…off to change my profile shots.